Thursday, April 19, 2012

Mummy

No one calls me mummy anymore. My other two girls call me mum, but only Isi called me mummy.

Today has been an odd day. For one thing it's the 19th and it's the end of the week that I always find the most difficult of each month. Isi died on the 12th September, her funeral was on the 17th and what should have been her 7th birthday was on the 19th September. So now those dates always make me feel really down in every month, not just September.

For another,  I've been feeling very unneeded today. My girls are growing up and are becoming so much more independent (this is a good thing but, like many mothers, I have mixed feeling about it).  They don't want help with homework and they don't need me to do things for them to get ready for school or anything. Neiher of them even seem to want to play much tonight. Steve isn't here and hasn't called so he's obviously not needed to talk to me desperately. And whilst I've tried to fill my day with things I have felt that it doesn't really matter whether I do them or not because no-one will notice or care.

And Isi, you know she was so dependent and so attached to me that she always cared what I was doing. I used to complain about it sometimes - how I couldn't get anything done on my own, how she was always there - and it could be irritating sometimes. But now, I miss it so much, I miss that importance I had in someone else's life and I still miss her so much.

So here is a video from the local Fete du Pain (bread festival). All the kids there let helium balloons off at the same time and I was trying to film it, but you can hear in the background that little voice, calling for me and needing me there.



No one needs me like you did Isi and no one calls my mummy anymore. I miss that and I miss you.

5 comments:

  1. Rebecca - you have SO much importance in a LOT of people's lives. I wish I could make it better for you :( xxx

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  2. Yes Rebecca, I agree. Even if you don't feel so, you are very important in the life of many people. Take care of yourself, xxx

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  3. I for one definitely complain when you don't get the tea on or put the washing out. You just live to ar away to hear ;)
    Thinking of you bird x

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  4. bless little Isi.

    Your blog makes me appreciate my DD so much - she too was a bit of apain when young - she followed me everywhere, if I was on the loo she would be playing on the floor very closeby, if I had an apple she would take a few bites out of it first, I'd turn around and I'd fall over her. She rarely needs me now as she is 21, but I miss those younger years. I feel so sad that you wont have those years with precious Isi - thankfully you have your other girls. I don't know how you cope.

    Bless you too.

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  5. I found your blog because of the Altered Alice Challenge. I became a follower not only because of your crafty style; but also because of your blog here dedicated to your precious daughter, Isi. Please continue to share your thoughts, I'd like to know about this lovely little girl who has left this world too soon.

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