Hands

Isi used her hands so much and not just the usual things that everyone uses their hands for.

For one thing she read. Now Isi, being blind, couldn't read a book in the same way that I do, but she learnt Braille very quickly at school and would whizz through her work. I remember sitting there with her and her homework (and it was always homework for me too as I was learning Braille with her) and, for some bizarre reason, she would have favourite letters. It started out with the letter I, then E then U, and she would scan through her lines, running her fingertips over the letters searching for her number one letter of the moment. I would be there trying to persuade her that we had to do all the letters but no, to her it was a game of hunt the vowel.

So, here is Isi reading with her hands. I always found it amazing to watch - she had such sensitive fingers that she would breeze over the letters in no time at all.

And she could tell things apart by the smallest of physical differences. Try it yourself - close your eyes and try to tell two very similar things apart - it's really hard but she could do it. Her hands were amazing.

So why am I thinking about hands in particular? Because at the moment I cannot get a specific memory out of my head. It was when we were in the hospital just a few days after her last operation. She was unconscious but moved her hand, so softly and gently but it definitely moved, and the doctors and nurses there all told me that was a positive sign. Sadly it wasn't, but I can't stop thinking about that small movement and what it meant. Was she in pain? Was she trying to fight her way back? Was she saying goodbye? I just don't know. The worst part of it is I think that was the last time I ever knew my daughter was alive. I have an official date of death, but that was called after a number of tests and scans showed no signs of brain activity due to massive arterial collapse and I really don't know for sure when she left us. But I do know she was alive with that small gesture with her hand and whatever it meant, and however hard it is to think about it, I am grateful for that small extra communication.

Isi, your hands were amazing. I miss your touch.