My princess

The thoughts I am having at the moment about Isi are some of the hardest to deal with. It's the guilt for all the things I did (or didn't do) that I should have, and the associated regrets. I know it's pointless because you can't go back, but it doesn't stop the dark thoughts coming.

The things that trigger it are the everyday, hard to escape from things. The Disneyland advert that reminds me how much Isi loved the idea of Disney princesses and wanted to go to Disneyland. We promised her we would go after she recovered from her second brain surgery but she never did and now I think, why didn't we just go before her operation. Stupid, stupid, stupid us. We wanted to give her something to look forward to afterwards, another reason to get better, but now it's too late.

In my better moments I think that perhaps she'd have hated the noise, the crowds, the waiting in line, and all the walking about, and maybe it was for the best. More of the time though I think she may have enjoyed it and she would have got to meet her princesses and now that opportunity is lost forever.

Still, she was always my princess, and she outshone all the Disney ones put together.

So here is my princess with her favourite 'crown'! Yes, I know it's a bag but she saw it as her crown and that's what matters!

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

When I was with Isi after her second operation to remove part of her brain tumour she never opened her eyes again but she had very dry and sore eyes after the operation so the nurses would regularly open her eyes to put various drops and creams in to ease the problem. And each time they did it her eyes would seem lifeless and I could not lose the feeling that she wasn't really with us. And now the image running through my head is of those lifeless eyes after the operation and I can't shake it.

You see, Isi had the most beautiful bright blue eyes (from her dad as mine are brown) that were full of life. People would comment om them - in the supermarket, at the post office, that kind of thing - and at the time I hated that, because she couldn't see but her eyes looked so normal. What do you do when someone says how lovely they look? Just smile sweetly and agree or risk making them uncomfortable by pointing out they didn't work (well, not strictly true - her eyes did but her optic nerve didn't).

Now I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to people, my friends, the people who care about me. And yet in so many ways I look normal. I can make small talk, that's easy, but really talk about how I feel - that's so much harder. And I'm reminded of Isi's eyes - superficially fine but completely non-functioning underneath.

No light, no light.

To sleep, perchance to dream

Today it has been five months since we lost Isi and all I have wanted to do today is sleep the day away. I know it's because of the date but I also know that tomorrow will be much the same. I stopped dreaming for a while after Isi died, well probably not true, but I stopped remembering my dreams at least. But now, they are back and how. My dreams usually are more bizzare and stranger than before (keeping cats in the fridge anyone?!).

But I had a dream recently which involved Isi which was the strangest of all because it was so normal. It was just me and Isi doing stuff, but it wasn't a memory. It was more like a melange of memories - we were at the hospital but cooking a meal (not possible there) and playing with things that we never took to the hospital. And when I woke up, it was the strangest feeling - because it was so normal it felt like extra time so to speak - that perhaps these things had happened and I had had more time with her, even if just one night. It was sad, comforting, unreal and yet so full of emotion. I wonder if my desire to sleep so much is a need to recapture that dream and that feeling, or whether I am just so tired.

Well. I thought of this photo and it made me wonder what Isi may have been dreaming of (and Rachael too!). I'll never know now but I hope it was good.

Snow Days

It's not very often we get snow here in south west France. I think in the seven years I've lived here we've had it twice.

Now, young kids usually love snow - right? Not Isi. Actually, not strictly true. She liked the idea of snow, just not the reality. The concept was good as far as she was concerned - family fun time outside, something different to play with, a construction opportunity (and she did like to build things). The reality was cold hands, wet feet and too many layers of clothing, all of which she disliked (with the notable exception of socks of course!).

This year we have had the longest period of snow that I can remember - it's been ongoing for days now and normally it disappears pretty quickly. Isi's sisters are loving it - no school and lots of building snowmen and pelting mum and dad with snowballs. And it makes me think about what it would have been like with Isi here. I thought there would have been tension between Isi's desire to stay in and her sisters' desire to go out and how someone would have lost out.

So then it made me look at the photos we have of the last time we had snow. I fully expected to see pictures of Alex and Rachael having fun and Isi looking miserable. But instead, I see Rachael helping Isi to find something she liked doing in the snow (emptying buckets of the stuff). I see Isi having fun sweeping away the snow. And I see the ways we found to make her more comfortable by bringing out a chair for her so that she didn't get too wet. I know that there were also whinges from Isi about wet floors and the cold and many changes of clothes to remove any hint of moisture. But it also reminded me that as a family we have always found a way to sort things out. I need that affirmation now more than ever.

Thank you Isi for reminding me that things are not all bad.

Anderssen vs Kieseritzky 1851 (renamed)

Steve loves playing chess and so did Isi. It was her special game with daddy because mummy was, to be frank, rubbish at it. She had a special chess set for the blind and recognised all the pieces instantly by touch. She knew how all the pieces moved and how to play the game, but her favourite way to play was to recreate one of the greatest chess games of all time.

The one she liked best was The Immortal Game between Adolf Anderssen vs Lionel Kieseritsky (1851). I have no idea why that appealed to her in particular but it's considered one of the classics in the chess world and Isi only ever liked the best! Perhaps it was because of the quality of the game, or maybe the boldness of the moves (Isi did like to see a bit of carnage on the board) or perhaps even that mate is achieved in only 22 moves. I don't know why she loved that game so much and now I'll never know why. But here she is playing it anyway, with daddy having to check the moves were right on his laptop. Daddy always let her win and you can see the pleasure on her face when she did.

There's stuff about the original game on Wikipedia here but I prefer to think of this one now as Isi vs Daddy 2011.