No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

When I was with Isi after her second operation to remove part of her brain tumour she never opened her eyes again but she had very dry and sore eyes after the operation so the nurses would regularly open her eyes to put various drops and creams in to ease the problem. And each time they did it her eyes would seem lifeless and I could not lose the feeling that she wasn't really with us. And now the image running through my head is of those lifeless eyes after the operation and I can't shake it.

You see, Isi had the most beautiful bright blue eyes (from her dad as mine are brown) that were full of life. People would comment om them - in the supermarket, at the post office, that kind of thing - and at the time I hated that, because she couldn't see but her eyes looked so normal. What do you do when someone says how lovely they look? Just smile sweetly and agree or risk making them uncomfortable by pointing out they didn't work (well, not strictly true - her eyes did but her optic nerve didn't).

Now I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to people, my friends, the people who care about me. And yet in so many ways I look normal. I can make small talk, that's easy, but really talk about how I feel - that's so much harder. And I'm reminded of Isi's eyes - superficially fine but completely non-functioning underneath.

No light, no light.